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| Crazy how when the words need to flow from you they just get stuck behind a barrier that refuses to break. Its like a damn that decided instead of sharing what could help you or someone else it all has to stay inside. But staying inside is the last thing that helps. To help, the words need to flow like a river. The river of thoughts with no side exits but they all pour out at one area and everything is put out in the open to be read, to be seen, to be understood. And who cares if anyone actually understands it. Its out there. The people who needs to get something from it will. The people who are closed and unopen to other ideas won't even begin to understand it. The words flow with the thoughts that go none stop. But having non-stop thoughts is never a bad thing. Yes, it keeps you tied up for hours. Yes, going to sleep is the hardest thing in the world, but there is a method to all the insanity that life deals out everyday. There is a reason I'm always up until the sun comes up. I think....I've always been a thinker call it a downside, a perk, whatever, but its me. I'm the person who could drive out to where the only thing you can see is the stars and lay on my car all night just staring up at the stars thinking. Not knowing what time it was until the sun comes up. Getting lost on a drive, well that is half the fun. Life presents you with life....how you live that life that is given is all up to you. I'm the optimistic person whose sometimes a cynic. But sue me if you don't like either side, thats me and thats what you have to deal with. I'm the person whose just as lost in life as everyone else. I know where I am is temporary and that where I'm supposed to be will come to me soon enough. I'm the person who decides something and will change my mind two hours later. Don't like it...too bad. I'm flawed and perfect as I am all at the same time. I want my equally flawed and equally perfect other half to find me, and they will one day but for now I'm meant to be alone. There is a reason behind everything that happens. I just hope I'm finally finding mine. I hope that the person I marry is someone who is already in my life, but who knows it could be someone i've never met and have yet to meet. I'm not meant to be alone, I can handle it but I'm not meant to lead the single life. I know that there is someone out there for me. I know that life has a way of revealing everything in due time. I just hope that at some point that due time is soon. This is what you get when I've spent all night thinking and finally decide to let it out. Enjoy!
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| Ask me four summers ago if I thought I would be where I am at now and my answer would have been no... It would have been no for all kinds of reason, because of all kinds of people and because I was a better person then...now...now what do I have to show...nothing, not a damn thing. Nothing is the way it is supposed to be, and why? Why did things change, why did the world feel it would be best to do a 360 on me? It put me flat on my ass and for some reason I haven't been able to get up from it since. I've been content to be the slacker, the lazy ass, the unmotivated person, everything I never settled for. Where am I going? | | |
| Ok....so this is probably going to be the most free flow thing I have
written in a while. I've really been wanting to write on this thing for
a while...but everytime i want to write I am not near a computer and
when I am near a computer I can't remember anything I wanted to talk
about. Life sucks! N-e-wayz, I will probably be changing my headline or
whatever that shit is called pretty soon...actually I will probably
change it once I finish typing this. I don't care if anyone reads this
or not. I'm typing this cause I want to type and I want to vent and I
want to do this and that and whatever. When I said this was going to be
free flowing I really meant it. I guess this will be giving all of you
a peak into the way that I think....which I think and most people have
expressed (Malia for sure) that I make no sense. But life doesn't make
sense so therefore I am doing fine with thinking and no one being able
to understand how I connected to things that really have no idea being
connected. Oh...tonight was fun! I went out with Rachel and Michael and
his friend Drew and we went to Nagoya's Japanese Restuarant. We sat at
a haibachi table and the guy cooked our food right in front of us. I
hadn't ever really hung out with Rachel besides doing school stuff and
I am glad that I finally did. I told her we should hang out more often
and I really meant it. Ok because this has been on my mind all this
week I am going to mention it now. I am tired of having to avoid
people. I do avoid people and honestly there are some people I am
'friends' with and they have no idea that I could careless if I ever
talked to them again. How long do you have to avoid someone before they
get the hint that you don't want to be friends with them anymore?! No
seriously people this is a question I want answers to!!! I realize
that what I just said may make me come across and shallow and a
bitch...but I don't care. If you think I'm a bitch you are wrong and
you can fuck off...I don't care. If you think I am shallow you are very
wrong so you can fuck off too. I used to be very passive...but I'm not
any more. I can honestly say that I am not the same person I was a year
or two ago and does it bother me...not really. Shit happens you deal
with it, you learn, you analyze, you apply...you do all kinds of shit
and you change. Everyone used to say that I was so nice...I'm not so
nice anymore. I'm nice to an extent...which everyone is...but if you
keep pushing you will piss me off. I don't know...seems like everything
I type leads to one thing..........if you know me then you can probably
guess what it is and if you don't then obviously you don't need to
know. If you want to be nosey you can ask. I'm done with my random
typing and thinking...leave a message if you want, doesn't matter to
me. | | |
| HE CALLED ME HIS FREAKING SISTER!! What in the hell did I do to deserve to be called that? I actually thought that for the first time it might be a little more than just friends and he goes and freaking ruins it by saying he thinks of me as his sister. OH FREAKING JOY!! I never should have let my feelings for him ever become more than feelings of friendship. I love him to death, but damn, did he have to stick the knife in and twist it too. Honestly, no matter how close of friends you are a girl never really want to hear that you think of her as your sister. So after he said that it just kinda killed the whole night. Whatever. I was dumb to ever begin to think anything else would ever come of us. I just had to get that out...maybe I will write more about it later. BYE
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| So this is weird, I am posting twice in the same day even though on here it will say I posted on Saturday and Sunday. N-e-wayz, I'm mad at myself. That is the freaking point of this entry, being mad at myself. I've been there before confronted it and there wasn't any hope there. But this weekend I let all the feelings come back. What a fucking dumbass, myself of course. I don't want to go there again and I won't let myself go there. It didn't end badly last time, but I won't bring those feelings back unless they bring them up first, ...if they come up to me and say they like me. I've had hope when there never should of been any too many times and for far too long. I am done this time, we are just friends. Friends that flirt alot, but none the less just friends. I refuse to be anything more than friends. I am done I don't know what else to say. I hated this weekend!!! Bye | | |
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